then it finally hit me...

Mir: nasira lang araw mo dahil sa nag email

Mir: wag ka macrushed

ss_pascual83: ok lang yung email

Mir: mahal kita sobra

ss_pascual83: i can deal with that stupidity right after i have sent the email

ss_pascual83: pero ikaw?

ss_pascual83: ewan ko

ss_pascual83: ikaw ang nilu-look forward ko araw araw

ss_pascual83: yet shutting me out with sleeping time is the best that you do

ss_pascual83: nakakapanghina

Mir: again

Mir: di kita shinushut out

ss_pascual83: right

Mir: ikaw lang ang nagiisip lagi ng ganyan

ss_pascual83: you just have to sleep

ss_pascual83: im not asking you to stay up as long as i do

Mir: ganito ako mag shushut out

Mir: ayoko na makipag usap

Mir: goodnight mahal

part of the hardships of having a call center boyfriend for me, is their schedule. Yes, I have mentioned in a previous blog how it affects me, much more, my bf is a sleep addict. yep, he can sleep anytime he wants or likes. He sleeps mostly during his rest days. Clearly I don't get it to tell you honestly. But then again, talk about different strokes for different folks. Sleep is actually a luxury in my profession. Im forced to sleep late to finish all my work - mostly due to my procrastination as well. I have to be in the mood to work before I can finish something - like now. I have to do my 3-day plan for next week, but the only thing I've managed to do is look at my year plan - and start out a template. I have ideas on mind, but still not in the mood to encode it. That's me. When I have things in mind that I can't get rid off, I can't really focus well. So here's where the blog comes in as my outlet.

The above conversation is the last part of our chat. Having have read it for a couple of times, I missed out something. He said "mahal kita" and I missed it. Me and my stupid eye. Have I stopped there, the chat would've been a bit longer, since i had like 6 more minutes before his bedtime. It's just weird coz I set my mind that I get to work first  before we chat, but when I got home, i went straight to my bed, still with my backpack on, and dozed off unconsciously. I felt my phone vibrate (I was in a meeting before going home -thus the vibrate mode) and it was from him. I remembered it was his last day of rest and that he will sleep earlier today because he had 2 shifts this week, one from 10am-7pm, the other, 630 am - 230pm. Tomorrow is the start of his earlier shift. Darn. I woke up in the wrong side of the bed. When I got out, my mom told me the email was already sent - work related. The content pissed me. I had to tell Mir to give me time to reply to the stupid email. The email irritated me big time - one because of it's stupidity and two, I've just woke up. Worst combination. When I came back to the chat window, Mir told me to take my time as he will be turning in early anyways. Right. Then I snapped. I told him to just go ahead and sleep. He kept saying he's just there. I kept on telling him to just sleep. Then I signed out. After almost an hour, 30 mins prior his bedtime, I said goodnight, assuming he's getting ready to sleep. He said, he isn't asleep yet. Then there started the argument - and you've read how it ended. I was lashing out on him, I know. Bad me.

I found a reason to have a walk outside to clear my head - bought a pack of cigs and a bottle of Coke. I invited Julie to walk with me and our short talk helped me clear my head. Too late. I sent an SMS to Mir telling him I went out, then again when I came back home. Another when I told him I was about to turn to bed too (I did but my mind was really up - so i got up again) Tried to call him, but he's not picking up - both his phones. Im just thinking he's that asleep that's why he did not pick up (although that never happened ever before - I used to call him in the middle of the night/dawn when I had nightmares - he has always picked up). 

My head is aching - I am sleepy, but I need to finish at least half of my plan before turning in. Damn, the more I read our conversation, the more I get angry at myself for having not seen what he said. This has been the second time he got angry with me. The first time was easily patched up, but this time, it really hit me - big time.  

I dont know what will happen tomorrow. Im scared. Im so scared. 

*calling again*  

he answered!!!!! OMG!!!!!

he said he wasn't angry. He just showed me how he will shut me out IF he really wanted to shut me out.

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh

Now, I can get back to work.

oh silly me.

hahahahha